Some years ago, I knew a guy we’ll call Cal. Cal dated a girl we’ll call Mimi and decided he wanted to marry her. Instead of asking her privately so she could weigh her decision, he dashed onstage during a music act and proposed before a crowd of drunks with hair stuck to their faces. Mimi said yes. (What else was she supposed to say?) All the drunks, except two, clapped and cheered. Woot! Woot! Shots of sundry spirits traveled from behind the bar into the happy sea of sweaty faces.

Which was my sentiment exactly. Cal’s proposal had little to do with Mimi. It also had little to do with Mimi and Cal. The proposal was all about Cal and what a great guy he was for thinking up this amazing romantic stunt, and does Mimi knows how lucky she is? Eventually, Mimi and Cal got married. And then one night, Cal came home and told Mimi, “I don’t want to be married anymore.” Poor Cal. So, now Mimi and Cal are divorced. Guys who hired skywriters to do the asking.

Since then, I’ve been subjected to stories about other guys who took Cal’s cue and subjected girlfriends to show-off proposals. Guys who turned a straightforward question — Will you marry me? — into big budget song-and-dance numbers. Guys who’ve proposed via Jumbotron. Just this morning, Today on NBC aired a story about a man who got a cop to pretend to arrest his girlfriend. After the shaken woman cooled her heels in the back of a squad car, Prince Charming popped the question.

It makes me wonder what the guy hoped to achieve when he planned this stunt: a) to get the woman to say yes, or b) to get himself on national TV. Whatever it was, I wouldn’t marry him; a man who scares the hell out of you for kicks is probably not going to be the friend you need in the long run. In marriage, you need a husband who will be your friend. I’d suggest anyone who wants to get married cease dreaming up quirky proposals and fairy tale weddings. The relieved captive said yes.